It has been a long time since I have written. This is mainly due to not being sure what to write. I have to admit, it has been a bit tough, a bit boring and routined and for fear of sounding negative, I have chosen not to write. But today I will try.
We are in our 15th week and 106th day underground. With school starting, our routine has become just that, routined. But this past weekend, the boys and I, traveled to visit our dear dear friends in Indiana. It was a great trip. Being around close friends felt so good. It was a much needed trip. It also gave me a perspective on things, especially those things I forgot I missed. Yes, staying in a house, with neighbors and grocery stores near by all gave me flashbacks, so to speak.
This realization hit me in my friends kitchen. I was cooking eggs, bacon and chicken and biscuits. As I was stirring the eggs, I thought about the dinner I cooked for my friend and I the night before. Salmon cakes with tortellini pasta with a butter garlic sauce and my friend made salad. While scrambing the eggs, I felt the nostalgia of having a kitchen. Of cooking in a kitchen. Of cleaning in a kitchen. Then I opened my awareness to the house. Where were the boys? I didn’t know but I knew they were safe and playing with their friends in the house somewhere. Hearing running feet on the floor above me confirmed my suspicions. I then realized I had done 2 loads of laundry without a thought. Then it hit me, I was in a house. Now, don’t get me wrong, I knew I was in a house but I realized what I was taking for granted as I was going through the motions of each of these acts without a concious thought. Without calculating how much to carry up to the bathhouse? Or who needs to be where so baths can be taken? Or what do I need to cook versus what I want to cook, so as to not make to many dirty dishes because cleaning them is so involved.
I was not present and taking in all the amenities that were around me. How easily it is to absorb things and not appreciate them when they were the things you missed the most. Now, I thought about this as I finished cooking breakfast but, feeling it wouldn’t be for another 3 days, when we returned underground. Being present was all here when we got back. So much so, that it has taken me several days to recover.
Being underground is making me calculate almost every move I make, just to accomplish the necessities. I had a brat/selfish moment while recovering from the suburbia weekend to the camping lifestyle. When I got back I threw what could only be called As an adult temper tantrum. I forced myself to get the kids off to school and then I boycotted everything else. Yep, I went in the red hut, streamed a show and slept, all day! I was quitting, at least for the day. It wasn’t until right now that I realized what I was doing. Living underground is hard! Having kids that go to school and have many needs all while living underground is hard. And I did not want to do it. I wanted to be comfortable. I want our house to be finished. I want our puppy to be cozy. I want a stove and dishwasher.
But this is all being unappreciative of what we do have. Fall is starting and the beauty we are about to be engulfed in is amazing. Even the boys noticed fall is coming. We have so many things to be thankful for. In the marathon it feels we are running, the finish line is just up ahead. Although I sat in the middle of the road, refusing to run anymore, today, I will keep moving forward. It might be up hill and I may be very exhausted but the finish line is near and at the end of this all, I plan to be stronger for it and more aware of my surroundings.